Okay so I have been reading almost constantly for the last two months. A lot of fiction (hello 3 Harry Potter books, Steven King, and Water for Elephants among many others) but more than that I have been delving into non-fiction, something I never did before. The major reason for this is the fact that Mike and I decided to get married. You both know this already, (Ann, if Jackie didn't mention it then shame on her) and you are both, probably, aware that this has been an emotionally confusing time for me. I am so excited to marry Mike but I have a lot of baggage about marriage and weddings (let's think about analogies for that - like dumpster truck loads, like huge heaping landfills...) and I've been trying to work that out through reading. In the book I started today, specifically, the author says that when she doesn't understand something she feels a compulsive need to research it. That is what I am feeling about marriage (incidentally, that is what prompted the author to writer her book - about marriage - which is why I picked it up).
So anyway, I know that you both have a lot of thoughts about marriage as well and I have discussed this with both of you at some length. I thought that since we have different situations in dealing with marriage since we have such different lives, that a book or two on marriage might be an interesting direction to take here. I have several that I have finished and have posted in the sidebar, but I would like to tackle something together that is new to all of us.
Along with that, a website that is helping me to deal with a lot of issues has a recurring book club, where many of my recent selections have come from. They select a book related to marriage (weddings, married life, children, something like that) and read it. Then they organize get-togethers all over the country as well as online discussion of the points of the book. The last book club included a meeting in Madtown.
They just picked another new book and I think it would be an awesome idea to jump into this one. It is called For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage by Tara Parker-Pope. The site describes it as a "(slightly) scientific approach to love and marriage." The book is a distillation of Parker-Pope interviews of different scientist who have studied marriage from different points of view. That is then given over as advice for the average reader on how to make a marriage work. After the book is read, then they organize meeting dates and women get together to talk about the book.
Anyway, it's a suggestion. Let me know what you think.
Here's the link for the original post on apracticalwedding.com. While you're there, scroll around and look at some of the elegantly written articles. They are truly wonderful. Talk to you soon ladies!
2 comments:
That sounds interesting. I admit, I really don't feel compelled to read about marriage, but I like the idea of the scientific approach.
Hi Sandy, first of all let me say CONGRAULATIONS! And I wish you everything wonderful. It's hard to convey a sense of love and concern in these comment boxes. So please call if want to talk. The following comes from decades of experience and is extended without hubris or bitterness. I'm just another pilgrim making her progress.
I'm sure you guys will work things out. A book may give you a few pointers or some things to talk about, but Dick and I have never really had too much luck on that score. Learning to make time for each other; Listening to each other; Personality quirks and info loading notwithstanding, we pretty much have had to learn how to explain ourselves on a feeling level and try to help each other from there. Remembering that we are crazy about each other has been the single biggest rule we live by now.
Things like remembering to be kind, wise (calm) in our interactions, and fun whenever appropriate (and sometimes not if it helps) are lessons we have had to learn to stay focused on the journey of Being Together.
For you guys it might be something else. The main is, that's the main thing. Trying to shape your marriage to look like someone else's idea of marriage is about as helpful as trying to be like someone else. You will never succeed. Learning to watch out for perfectionism in yourself is usually a good first step toward achieving intimacy. It helps not only you to BE yourself, but gives your partner a true YOU to relate to. This feels good to both parties. For instance, I can now be vulnerable without fear of being bruised, and Dick is surprisingly insightful when not defensive or off balance.
Accept yourself, accept the Other. Like and respect yourself, like and respect the Other.
If your book can help you learn to accept and love yourself and be yourself and explain to Mike you need to be encouraged to do those things sometimes, and love and respect and look out for Mike and he you, then you're on the right track.
Self love means protecting me and looking out for me. Loving my partner in life means to love and protect him too. Talking things over in a non-blaming way has helped us to move forward while seeing to each others' needs.
(I see why white anglo saxons have so much trouble with intimacy. It's the damn language, cumbersome and clumsy and anti-Flow.)
Call if you want to talk.
Ann
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